Adriana had so obviously not been to Barcelona.
Go to Barcelona and your mystery will be solved honey.
You are all probably sick of hearing me wax on about how amazing Barcelona is but I can't help it. It seduced me. It is a fantastic mirage, a lovely vision, a conglomeration of wild, untamed fantasies. It is the best city on earth. If your life can time it just right, you may lose yourself in that fabulous city by the sea, and never return.
I know it isn't that bad here, I know that. Perhaps it was a tad extreme to compare it to a homeless shelter. I am however the reigning drama queen and I have to make comments like that in order to hold on to my crown. One redeeming quality about being here is that it is Halloween time! My favorite time of year :)
I have to admit that it has crossed my mind that I may have made a mistake. Several mistakes.
I miss Julian. I don't know if it is loneliness or the depression about being back in Ohio but I feel as though maybe I jumped the gun a little. I miss him a lot. He and I have our own little world and now I've broken that. I need to breathe, we are just on a break, we can decide, we can decide. Ever since I left him I feel depressed. Is this just how it is or is it a sign that he is the person for me? Maybe all this stuff with Alejandro is actually making it clear that I am supposed to end up with Julian. As much as I don't want to admit it, Alejandro has had a huge effect on my actions. Julian always says I am the strongest person he knows because I've dealt with so much shit the last two years and still have the ability to smile so often. I don't feel strong though, I feel easily persuaded and weak and indecisive. Julian and I said in December we will have a conversation and it will either end with us:
1. Get married
or
2. Break up forever (and never talking again according to him)
That is it. No going back.
I guess I've bee slightly redundant about what I am afraid of but I am afraid of missing out on true love.
What is true love?
Can it be that blissful mix of pure passion and sweet affection that form a lasting satisfaction so great it can only be read about in books and only talked about in that poetic sense that only the few and far between understand?
Or..
Is it something adult and mature that grows over the distance of time and space and true uninhibited commitment? Something that takes years of work and dedication...something that isn't so easily made or so easily broken, transcendent of passion.
You are probably saying a little bit of both but I don't think so. I think true love is one or the other and obviously you can see who I think might fit into each category.
I am afraid on missing out on true love and my biggest risk is with Alejandro.
Staying with Julian would not be risking as much because I know how much he loves me, I know he would never cheat on me, I know he would do anything for me. I know I love him in the second way I shared.
All I have to go off of with Alejandro is a feeling. The idea of us together is a fantasy. I cannot truly know if there is anything there unless I am with him. I just think if I'm with him, I'll know. I am not talking about sex either, obviously there is passion there, I'm not curious about that part, but I need more than that.
Sometimes I write Alejandro these long dramatic emails and his responses can be so casual that it is infuriating. Nowadays I wonder about him because I am kind of tired of being the one who always contacts him. You would think that Mexicans would be more emotional than Germans but in this case I think it is the opposite. I can always count on Julian to pour out his heart to me in some angry yet passionate manner. But Julian is in love with me, that's why.
Chicago
I have decided to move to Chicago for a while. I was going to wait a month to go but I think I will go in a few weeks. I felt good when I was there, I kind of felt home. I will take my class there and I will finally meet Alejandro.
Judge me all you want but I have to. I feel it is the only way I can know for sure. It isn't just about me, it is for them too. I cannot marry Julian unless I'm sure, he does not deserve a divorce, he deserves someone who will give him all her love. ALL of it. I don't want to say I DO unless I really do. I don't want to wake up one day at 36, married with children, and have the occasional urge to blow my brains out. I believe in divorce when it is necessary but I don't take marriage lightly, I don't think you should get married unless you are 100% sure.
I also don't want to wake up one day at 36, married with children, and realize that my husband has done to me what I'm afraid to do to Julian.
I know that justifying seeing Alejandro is the same logic Jack uses to justify his actions in the movie Sideways but I feel that this is the only way to end this trifecta of turmoil. It is causing my hair to fall out and my skin to breakout. Love really can damage your health.
During the time I spend here, I am going to rededicate myself to the things I once loved. I am going to give myself a challenge. I am going to write a novel...in a week. I don't care how bad it is. I just need to get it out of me. They say write what you know and I definitely have material here. I feel it boiling over and I need to get it out. Even as I type now, I feel the words slithering through my fingertips and onto the keys with fervor. It isn't even about getting it published, I don't care about that, I just need to get it out.
I am also going to paint.
Meditate.
Sing.
Cook.
I am going to better myself during this time. I refuse to linger in this depressive cloud that has been looming over me for so long. I am going to break through it, somehow.
I am listening to a 90's music mix I made and it is giving me major nostalgia about the past, when things were simple.
Here is a song that my friend and I used to like when we were about 10. The lyrics fit me like a glove right now.
I feel that this year I've run away so many times and I never actually got anywhere. I'm somehow always in the same place. The mind is a powerful, powerful anchor.
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