We came back to the apartment and had our own little karaoke party in the living room while eating the best burgers of our lives...there I go abandoning my healthy eating habits...again. Also I was smoking cigarettes too. Sometimes when I live at home for a while and I get back out into the world with my beloved peer group, I go a little too far because I've been repressing too much for too long.
The point is, it was a fun night and I love living with my friend again. I just need to get into responsible mode soon. I also need to figure out what I'm going to do about a bed. Yes they have a mattress but it doesn't fit in the room! I am sleeping on my friend's massage table and now my back hurts. I'm going to need to figure that one out.
So there was sort of a negative end to the night. It was me being drunk and belligerent toward Alejandro during our (what started out as good) conversation. I had been looking forward to talking to him all day and then...well...just read:
ME: You said the second night we met that if I married you, I would live like a queen.
Alejandro: No, I didn't say that. The guys from your cousin's wedding said that.
ME: No, I remember, we were having coffee and you said that, I remember perfectly. And honestly I really do remember-not because of what he said but because of the way he said it-he leaned across the table, lowered his eyes and said it sort of intensely which is why I remember. I remember feeling at a loss for words because no one had ever said something like that to me before because well, I've never dated someone several years older who promised things like that. Not that I cared because I am definitely not the kind of girl that is into men with money. I never even thought about marriage as a way to up my place in society. I don't care about that, I truly only care about love and passion because I think those things are what sustains a marriage...and I guess you can't be broke on the street but living like a queen just isn't something I think about when it comes to love.
Alejandro: No, I don't think I said that.
ME: Wow, so you don't remember. So you obviously were just saying whatever came to your head at the time and you didn't really mean it.
Alejandro: No, that isn't true.
Also...it went like this...
Alejandro: You turn me into the bad guy who broke up you and Julian. He wanted to party and that was a reason you broke up.
Me: (super angry now) NO! That is not it. That was a tiny little thing and he would have preferred me to stay and never go out if it meant that I wasn't going to leave him.
Alejandro: You make me sound like the only reason you broke up.
Me: That is not the only reason and you know that, it is a lot, but you are a factor, of course.
In the end I used sexy make up talk as a weapon to get over our argument. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on him and he doesn't seem as patient with me anymore. The thing is though, that he says all these things that are making me start to fall in love with him and if they aren't real, I'm going to suffer a heartache. I just want to protect myself.
It would not be this complicated if I didn't have that "feeling" that I told you about. I just had this feeling the first time I met him that I never had before. I have no idea what it was and I just want to know so badly if he had that feeling too or if it was all just Latino-talk. I have no idea how he could prove it to me, but I wish he would somehow, if he feels it.
I truly believe there is someone, someone out there who is meant for me and all those feelings I have for Alejandro, if they aren't real and I did fabricate this whole fantasy about my Mexican-prince-charming, that will be horrible to find out but I still think it exists with someone. That perfect balance of love and passion that seems so mystical and so abstract yet almost tangible. I just...wish that it was with him.
Even though I regretted the argument, the truth is, if he can't handle a little bit of emotional instability, he might not be right for me....because signing on with me means signing on for a certain amount of craziness...and when I say craziness...I mean the fun kind and the bad kind. When I say the fun kind, I mean that I go all out when I'm in love and do things like decorate an entire apartment with rose petals, replace all the lightbulbs with red lightbulbs and meet my love at the door wearing a french maid lingerie set, on a regular day. The bad kind of crazy being...well you've read the blog, and I once got so jealous I slapped Julian in the face in public...stuff like that. I don't want to pass the blame and say that any guy who dates me has to roll over and take it, of course not. I should have responsibility over my actions and try to control it....but the point is, it exists.
Here is Glitzy. He didn't have a name so I named him after the honey boo boo pig. He is our other roommate.
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