So how goes my decision to peacefully go about my life and take one day at a time?
I am writing this at 5:39 in the AM so what does that tell you?
I hate having nothing to do all day right now. It gives me too much time to think.. Usually when I am talking to someone, like friends or Alejandro, I feel ok. However, when it is just little me, I just sink into my sad little hole and disappear into a fit of crippling depression and think about things like making dinner with Julian or strolling around Park Guell with Julian or...or...or....:( sometimes the memories almost kill me, not quite, just almost. I'm surprised sometimes at the emotional pain people can live through.
It is complicated. Right now the loneliness is even more palpable because I am sort of sick and it is that time of the month which yesterday made me feel so sick I threw up because that is the joy of womanhood. Ugh. I shoud not complain because for a second there I thought I could be pregnant. You can probably imagine my code-red level freak-out because well, let's face it, that would make things WAY worse. I usually never know when that time of the month will be and therefore I usually don't freak out but talking to Senor FG, it came up-don't ask how- and then he began to suggest that I might be pregnant and I almost had a coronary at the thought of it. Him then commenting on the joys of motherhood really only made matters worse...
The next day I texted my friend to go with me to buy a pregnancy test because I couldn't drive (no insurance yet) and she was already at work so I was going to have to wait but then it did not matter anyway because I started.
Okay enough about that time of the month, I mean who really wants to hear about that anyway? Nobody!
So anyway, here I am, it is now 6 in the morning and I am unable to sleep. It is torture trying to find out if I will get into this class or not for November. If I can, things will go much smoother and I can live with my old friend again. If I can't, there is a chance I will end up in New York for one month, taking the class and living on a friend's couch in Brooklyn. I really don't want that though because as nice as he is, I just don't want to put him out like that, plus NYC is more expensive and I'm rapidly going broke. I should know on Friday.
So when Julian and I were together, he made me delete all my ex-boyfriends. To be fair, I made him do the same....which...makes us sound like psychos but whatever. Yesterday, I thought, hey I should add them back...not to like flirt or anything, just because now I can. I added back my little old boyfriend from Prague and I think he was shocked because he added me so long ago and wrote me and I never responded. I was going to add more and then I said you know what...no...what's the point? So I think I'm done adding ex boyfriends...I mean the Czech is really nice and cool so that is why I can tolerate him but the others, well let's just say we broke up for good reasons!
The other day while talking to Alejandro, I noticed something. There is so much to learn about him. He is definitely a little more sarcastic than I originally thought, which is good because so I am and I get annoyed when people get offended by my humor. Also, I like people who are pure and innocent, I can be good friends with them, however, if it is someone who is a potential date or boyfriend, no...I don't like that. I had a boyfriend kind of like that once and the relationship could be summed up in one word, boring. I like people who have a little bit of fire in them and who can handle a little bit of fire in return. I guess meeting Alejandro is really happening...on Halloween...oohhh now that is scary...in a good way....because I want to see him. Now that I'm out of a relationship, I feel so much more at east about meeting him because I don't feel that crushing guilt that I used to. I told him how confused I was about Julian, thinking that might put him off, but it didn't, he didn't seem to mind. That kind of confused me. If he likes me as much as he says, wouldn't it bother him that I still sort of love someone else? He is a hard one to read, that Alejandro. He is good at keeping his feelings at bay, unlike me who basically just wears my heart on my sleeve and lashes out impulsively. As my friend puts it, I eat the entire bag of cookies.
I have started writing a novel, which is slowly moving along. I am going to try to work on that today. Also, I'm going to see my sister this weekend which will be a nice break.
No comments:
Post a Comment