Outline of the last few days

You may notice all my posts are gone.

They are not gone. They are just in hiding until I can figure out what I want to do.

Ok here is the breakdown of the last 3 days:

Day 1: Breakup
1. Cry
2.Cry
3.Cry
4. Talk to friends, feel slightly better.
5. Talk to Alejandro...prematurely agree to be his girlfriend...suddenly feel super happy and on top of the world.
6. Talk to more friends, feel guilty for feeling so normal.


Day 2: Reality Sets In
1. Start feeling like shit when I realize I no longer have Julian.
2. Shit feeling begins to take over and consume my being. I suddenly feel as though I cannot live without him. I get the urge to fly back to Barcelona.
3. Go to Trader Joe's and have a massive meltdown in the produce isle because I miss Julian and suddenly regret breaking up with him. My sister gives me good advice and I somehow manage not to go into slit-my-wrists mode. My sister says that I still don't know if I want to marry him and that is what I need to figure out even though I miss him.
4. Talk to Alejandro, tell him a little about my confusion.
5. Keep talking to Alejandro, start to feel good again, focus all my attention on how cute he is and forget about being sad.

Day 3:
1. Wake up with the urge to talk to Julian. Write him a desperate email telling him I'm not certain about the decision and tell him that I miss him.
2. He calls, we talk about staying in each other's lives while leading our own lives, possibly dating other people since we are both single. He says he loves me but he can't keep doing this and that if I decide we are meant to be, we can talk about it, but depending on time and where he is in his life, he may not agree to take me back. I accept this even though it hurts.
3. I realize I need to take time for myself, find a job, get my shit together.
4. I go out at night, get super drunk.
5. I drunk dial Alejandro like 50 times and say....well I don't know everything I said but I am guessing it can't be good.
6. Get asked out by loser guys (one I hung out with in high school who took my friend's virginity) at the local bar and desperately long to get the fuck out of this state!

Day 4:
1. Recover from a massive hangover
2. Get fresh air and sun
3. Go to the driving range and hit golf balls like a champion
4. Feel better about life and decide that I'm going to be spiritual and leave my decision up to God and just focus on doing things one day at a time and try my best to peacefully go about my life.

That's where I am.

I am no closer to finding an answer to any of the questions that I started in the begining of this blog, but I don't care anymore...as Eckhart Tolle says, "what you resist, persists." So...I'm not going to resist anymore