This morning I woke up to a very long, emotional email from Julian which at first sent me into a hardcore relapse of missing him and feeling horrible. He wrote about a lot of our memories, about how much he loved me, about how I was the perfect person for him, and other things that made me cry. How can someone love me that much? That is all I kept thinking. I am not really that wonderful, and I don't see all the things he sees in me. I kept asking myself how, how, how can someone love me this much? Is there anyone who will ever love me this much again? Am I making the right decision? I started writing him back but then I was crying so hard that I had to set the response aside and give myself a chance to think. I still need to finish the email. I still love him, but I still am not sure he is the right one. Everything he said made my heart sink into my stomach.
Somehow, my mother of all people, pulled me out of it. She said that I needed this time and she also said if I really had some strong feeling about Alejandro maybe it was worth exploring and that maybe he should come visit! Never, ever, ever, did I expect her to say that but she went on saying oh yeah maybe he could come to visit here (which for secretive purposes shall rename nameless) or he could come to Chicago and then you guys could get to know each other a little. Wow. I was floored...
Then she even started to talk about him in a positive way and for the first time I was actually able to talk about him to her. She said "Yeah, if he comes here we could have him over for dinner," I was definitely shocked. She had dinner with a friend last night who apparently had a similar experience and gave her a different perspective on things. So I guess I can eventually tell her that he's coming to Chicago. Crazy...did not see that coming. Sometimes the mother really comes through for me, she has her faults, but when I really need her, she is there for me. She made me feel a lot better about the email, and apparently her and Julian are writing each other as well, and she just gave me a lot of hope that somehow things would turn out okay.
My fever is gone, finally, and I'm starting to feel better, except I have a horrible cough that is wrecking havoc on my lungs. I want to go out today and do something. Ooohhh I should carve my pumpkin!! :) What should I name him? I will take a picture for you guys when he is all finished!! :)
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