I am slowly realizing that my naturally dramatic personality may not be ready to be single. I picked an argument with Alejandro and I'm pretty sure I just ran him off because I sent him a message apologizing for being a drama queen (and I saw that he received it) and he didn't write back...even though I asked him to forgive me...which sounds...pathetic. Also, he had just told me he would be connected to facebook in case I wrote him...lie.
The thing is, what we were discussing was a genuine concern of mine and instead of talking rationally about it like an adult, I childishly ended the conversation by signing off without saying goodbye. I realized the error my ways while out with a friend and I began to check my phone every 5 minutes to see if I had gotten a response, and of course I did not, have not, and perhaps will not.
When you are a single veteran like Alejandro, the amount drama you are willing to withstand for a potential person has its limits because you haven't settled thus far, so why settle with someone who behaves like a five-year-old who didn't get her way? When you are just out of a relationship (which I am in the process of trying to do) the single world seems so incredibly daunting that it is difficult to focus. You are used to someone doting on you, telling you how much they adore you, looking at you with that dreamy, love-drunk look as if you are the most special person on earth, and suddenly...that all goes away. Suddenly you feel alone, scared, and you wonder if someone will ever look at you that way again. I forgot about that breakup stage...it sucks...but then I guess, all the stages suck.
My sister told me that if I break up with Julian, I need to take time to grieve the relationship. She said I should not jump into a new relationship with anyone else, until I feel that I've given myself a taste of the single life. She didn't mean single life in the sense of becoming a bar-slut, she meant just being alone in life for a while. I completely get her point-although she didn't exactly heed her own advice-but I still can't shake the feeling that Alejandro is special. I wish I could freak myself out enough and pick enough fights with him to force myself into single-hood, but I don't want to lose what might be. He has not given me a reason not to trust him, so why stop a good thing before it has had a chance to start? I tried playing the maybe it is meant to be card with the sister but my logical sister was not having it. I have tried to avoid all Alejandro talk with her ever since I first mentioned him and she freaked out, but today I just couldn't keep my mouth shut! Come to think of it, maybe this is why I picked a fight in the first place.
ME: But don't you think that sometimes someone comes into your life for a reason?
THE SISTER: You are being naive. The someone you are talking about knew you were engaged and pursued you anyway. It is obviously just a challenge for him, that's how Mexican guys are, they like a good challenge, a good conquest, and you are definitely a challenge When he finally gets what he wants, he will enjoy it until there is a more exciting challenge to pursue.
ME: That is such a stereotype!
THE SISTER: Well it is more common than you think, it is way more common for those business guys in Mexico to have mistresses than it is here.
ME: You do realize you are dating someone from Saudi Arabia, right? They have multiple wives. Yet, you don't hear me quoting lines from Not Without My Daughter, do you?
THE SISTER: I've been with him for a long time. It is different. You are getting involved with someone who thinks it is okay to break up engagements.
ME: You don't know him.
THE SISTER: Neither do you!!!!!
Trying to convince your very logical sister that you can get to know someone online is like trying to convince Madonna that she's actually old enough to join AARP. Totally not a good idea...so the conversation pretty much ended there.
Yay, he wrote back! Feel free to disregard what I wrote up there....okay I am way too excited about his 9 word message. I should not be this happy about him writing back..oh gosh what is wrong with me? You don't see him this emotionally unhinged!
Like I was saying, Alejandro hasn't given me a reason not to trust him so why should I keep trying to find ways to push him away?
Okay I need to stop watching SATC reruns, it is late and this blog already makes me feel a little too much like Carrie Bradshaw...scary.
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