I realize that I need to go to Barcelona for a bigger reason than I thought. I thought I needed to go to Barcelona to find out if I want to be with Julian or Alejandro, but the real reason is that I need to find out if I want to be with Julian or be alone. I have to make the decision to be alone and if alone is then followed by Alejandro after all of this, then I will know he is the one. But alone, is something I cannot be afraid of because let's face it, even if I have this feeling for Alejandro, nothing is certain in life but death and taxes and there is the possibility if I left Julian for Alejandro, that Alejandro and I may turn out to be nothing like what I imagined. I cannot continue to make comparisons between them because I will just compare using the grass is greener on the other side argument and not really look at the problems between us. I felt good about that, until I got a text from Alejandro that said "te quiero." I felt tears springing into my eyes and for some reason I felt heartbroken. Not talking to him is going to be extremely hard, it already is. My emotions have been pouring out and I have done my best not to tell him how deeply he has affected me. What hurts the most is that I feel as though either way I choose, it could be the biggest mistake of my life. I could be giving up a life of true happiness if I do not choose correctly and therefore I can't make my choice based on Julian vs. Alejandro, but rather, Julian vs. being alone. That thought after years of relationships, is honestly a little scary for me. If Alejandro truly is "the one," he will wait until my head catches up with my heart. If Julian is who I am meant to be with, the biggest problem between us (one I haven't really discussed) he will make a real effort to fix it and he will understand that without fixing that, I will never be able to make things work with him.
Still, after talking to Alejandro so often, the thought of not hearing his voice anymore fills my entire body with despair. When I got the message from him today on my phone, my heart sank in both good and bad ways. I wanted to fly to Mexico and melt into his embrace. He would stroke my hair, he would kiss away my tears, somehow my imagination creates a scene from a movie. My imagination has created something that may not ever be real. It may never be satisfied, it may be an idealistic fantasy that can never be fulfilled by one man, it may never even...be. I felt as though my heart was pushing its way out of my body. I feel something for him so strong, it physically hurts now. I do not even know if he feels that way, probably not, I am always the most dramatic one. Alas, I have to put my heart on hold for now, and listen to my head for the time being.
It is strange because at the same time, I long for Julian to do what Julian does best, console me, hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay, although this time, he cannot do that. Neither of them can. I am alone with the pain this time and I am the only one who can come to my rescue, which is maybe just what I need.
It is strange because at the same time, I long for Julian to do what Julian does best, console me, hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay, although this time, he cannot do that. Neither of them can. I am alone with the pain this time and I am the only one who can come to my rescue, which is maybe just what I need.
I have made two promises, one a while ago, and one more recently. I can only keep one of those promises and I want to be sure it is the right one. So off I go tomorrow, on a very long, long journey to two airports in New York and then to Barcelona. If I do not make it from Laguardia to JFK in time tomorrow, I may end up sleeping on another friend's couch in NYC. So, allow me to raise my metaphorical wine glass and say: here's to making it to Espana in one piece, here's to thinking positively, and here's to thriving no matter what happens to me!
Love, Me
here's to thriving!
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