Desperation

It can be a hard thing to swallow when God passes you a shot of tequila instead of that nice glass of wine you were expecting.

What to say? For once I have almost no words. That is how bad things are right now. Staying feels impossible...leaving feels impossible.

We are living in this semi-permanent state of desperation, I honestly see how people become alcoholics now....something has to happen.

Is this the right thing?

I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. Here I am, with someone who loves me deeply, who would do anything for me, who has been there for me. Someone very good looking, very intelligent, we are living in one of the most fantastic cities on earth and I am thinking about leaving early.

I can see people reading what I just wrote and wanting to smack some sense into me.

We came to the solution that I will leave, and we will keep talking to each other and in a few months we will decide for sure. He keeps saying if we break up, he will never see me or speak to me again. I can't handle that. I just can't. All these years, we've relied on each other for support. He said that his friend dated two different girls (at separate times) whose fathers passed away while he was dating them and he said they both shut down, emotionally and psychically...both relationships ended.
Sometimes I wonder if I associate Julian with my father because he was there when he passed away and he was there the whole time during my depression, acting as a father-figure when I badly needed one.

You can be so sure, and then...life shifts.

Humans are not good at adapting. Plants, animals, everything else in nature is good at adapting. Not us. We wonder too much.