This whole time, I've been copying from my journal. The last post I wrote actually happened a month ago.
How's the grave going you ask?
Well, I've all but buried myself.
I've pretty much talked to Alejandro every single day (multiple times a day) for almost a month.
On Facebook, on skype, through text messages, it is pretty constant. When I'm not talking to him, I'm thinking about talking to him. I've officially gone off the deep end.
I don't really know how to condense all we've talked about into a blog post but I shall try.
What do you do when you want to know more about a guy but you don't want to be the creepy person who just asks inappropriate questions out of nowhere?
20 questions of course!
Now I really have reverted back to high school.
So...what has Alejandro revealed during our 20 question sessions? Quite a bit.
For some unknown reason, I ask him his favorite food right off the bat.
And his response?
FOIE GRAS.
Foie gras? Oh no. He's rich. I don't know anyone who else would say their favorite food is foie gras. The closest to that I've come is one of the kids I watched in Germany...his favorite food was foie gras, and he was a spoiled little shit, let me tell you!
He also mentions his family has a place in Acapulco and another house in Cuetzalan.
He goes on to say that he spent 3 months living in France just to take a photography class and of course he lived in Germany, just learning German, not taking care of rich, spoiled brats like me.
Must be nice!!
For most girls, thinking he's rich would be a good thing. Especially after reading 50 shades of Grey which horrifies me to admit that I read but I had a lot of time on my hands this summer, so...shhh.
I don't have that giddy-girly-oh-he's-rich instinct because I DID work as an Au-Pair and had to hang out with a lot of snobby, rich, Europeans who sometimes viewed me as "the help," which drove me fucking crazy. It made me sort of uncomfortable around rich people. I had a great host family but the people that were in their "circle" really looked down on me sometimes and I will never forget those little country club moments.
I didn't grow up poor or anything by any means, I've grown up middle class, I guess. I went to Catholic schools for grade school and high school...college really sent me into a whirl of debt...but that was my fault. My parents made due, there were always arguments about money growing up but by most standards, we were a typical middle class family. Once my father got sick (5 years ago) things went bad with money, understandably, and suddenly things got...really bad. I was on my own in Chicago, and I was not about to ask my struggling parents for money, so many times, I ate peanuts for breakfast while living in Chicago...yes literally peanuts! Oh and I was working but I was spending it all. Again, all my fault, I will be the first to admit it! It was the time of my life where I was most broke, and honestly the happiest I've ever been because my roommate and I truly had a world of our own, we had a pet Chinchilla named Thing, and I was attending my dream school for writing. Who cares if I didn't eat that well? We made due, and it felt like the best time of my life, so why complain?
Anyway, back to Alejandro. From that moment on, I decided to dub him Senor Foie Gras, a nickname which he tried to fight, but I mercilessly persisted.
We stopped talking about foie gras and began talking about real things. It turns out we liked many of the same books, the same movies, and had similar philosophies on life, on politics, on God. Light-hearted conversations began to turn deeper.
We stayed up late talking about ourselves, self-esteem, family, what is important to us, traveling, writing, poetry, music, the future, our regrets, our passions, what we want in life, the death of my father.
He frequently made comments about ending up together but I tried my hardest to ignore those or give arbitrary responses in order to avoid the subject. It was fun talking to him, I didn't want to think about whether or not he was serious. Of course he wasn't serious! I was still sure he said that sort of thing to other girls or at least had in the past.
Days turned into weeks and the talking with Alejandro increased just as the talking to Julian decreased. He had moved to Barcelona already and was busy dealing with the frustrations of finding an apartment in Spain and organizing things for school. I found myself waking up to messages from Alejandro and not being able to wait to talk to him. Soon that turned into thinking about him a lot. Soon, that turned into both of us admitting we were thinking about each other, and soon things got worse.
We began talking about relationships, about old lovers, about love in general, and yes, sex. I found myself feeling jealous over girls he spoke about. I found myself thinking about what it would be like to be with him, to kiss him again, to have him kiss me and speak passionately in Spanish, to be alone with him in his apartment. Oh how my mind began to wander...
I began to feel sick. What was I doing? Why couldn't I stop talking to him? This is the worst idea ever, I am betraying Julian, I feel horrible and at the same time so amazing.
I'M GOING TO STOP TALKING TO HIM, this is nuts. I can't possibly have feelings for someone I've only seen twice in my life.
I mentioned that I would be going to Chicago for a few days before Barcelona and he reserved a ticket. WHAT THE HELL? Who just buys a ticket on a whim to see a girl in another country for a weekend? I began to think I was actually talking to the Mexican Christian Grey, like my friends said. I told Senor Foie Gras to forget Chicago. Seeing him there would only make things worse for me. I did not want to cheat on Julian and if I saw Alejandro, that could be quite a challenge, given the nature of our recent conversations.
One night, I went out with a friend and got very, very drunk. I think I over-drank to forget about my confusion. At this point, I stopped eating. People began to ask me how I lost so much weight and I had to fight the urge to say:
JUST GET ENGAGED, GET SUPER CONFUSED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED, AND THEN MEET SOME GOOD LOOKING MEXICAN GUY WHO TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE MEANT TO BE WITH HIM. THEN YOU WILL FEEL SO SICK BETWEEN ALL THE CONSTANT THINKING THAT YOU WONT BE ABLE TO INGEST FOOD....Best diet ever...I don't recommend it.
On this particularly balmy night, I drank way too much and as I said, I wasn't eating, great combo. Wow this blog really makes me sound like a lush, doesn't it? It was actually the first time I blacked out. I honestly didn't even know what it felt like to black out. I've gotten horribly sick from drinking before, but I've never actually not been able to remember things. The last thing I remember was dancing, falling, yelling, and then it went blank. When I came to, I was sitting in the hotel room, in my night gown, hair around my face, black eyes, and a big bruise on my knee. I was on the computer, my friend was gone.
Suddenly, I'm calling Alejandro on skype.
I'm typing, typing, typing...typing everything I wanted to say sober but don't have the courage to. I have real feelings for him. I feel like I'm going to cry because I don't think he really feels the same...
I'm not one of those girls who will go after a guy who doesn't like her. If he doesn't pay attention to me, I'm done. If he is going after other girls, I'm done. I learned that lesson a long time ago. So I decide, after all that I've typed to him, he's going to stop talking to me. I've spilled the crazy beans and there is not way I'll be able to pick them all up.
Instead something strange happens.
He is responding. He is leaving the club he's at, he's going to his house to get his computer only to drive to his mother's house to sit outside of her house and use the internet to talk to me.
DID HE NOT JUST SEE EVERYTHING I TYPED??????
We talk for a few hours on skype, he looks so good that I just want to scream how much I like him but I somehow refrain from doing that. He is supposed to get up early for class because he is doing his Master's on the weekend.
The next morning, I feel as though I've been hit by a train.
My head is on fire.
My leg has a horrible bruise on it.
My skin looks awful and there is a piece of pizza in my bed.
I sign onto Facebook, I have a message from Alejandro saying that he went to class with the help of a lot of coffee!
I read the conversation from the night before.
OH DEAR GOD.
ME: Alejandro, I'm looking for the real enchilada, and if you aren't it, you better tell me.
Alejandro: I am, I feel it.
WHAT AM I DOING?!!?!?!
As if I had not just dug myself a deep enough grave, I push it to the next level and buy myself a coffin.
I spilled the crazy beans and he didn't even care!
We talk later and he asks me if I meant all of the things that I said or if I was just drunk. I try to dodge the question.
I admit to having feelings for him. I admit to believing he only says these things to me and that maybe that he may be sincere in wanting to end up with me. I admit that I may want to end up with him one day too.
I talk to Julian the next day. I feel more confused than ever. Julian, Alejandro, Julian, Alejandro...
I go home and nurse my hangover, I sleep most of the day and dream of Mexico.
I wake up and try to control my emotions and think rationally. I'm still going to Barcelona, I've been with Julian for five years and I can't throw it all away based on a hunch. I'm still going.
I talk with Alejandro again and I pick an argument.
Me: Have you told your friends about me?
Alejandro: Yes
Me: And what do they say?
Alejandro: That I'm crazy, that you'll never move to Puebla, that you can't possible feel that way about someone after seeing them twice.
I laugh because this is pretty much exactly what my friends have said.
Me: Have you told your family about me?
Alejandro: I told my mom, but very little.
Me: Oh...well if you are as serious as you say about me, you would have told your family about me. I have to go...
I begin to get dramatic, but I feel that I'm somehow in the right.
He messages me later and says "If you want to look for excuses to not be with me, that's your choice."
The next day, he takes the opportunity to introduce me to his mother via skype with the camera.
I'm shocked. Beyond shocked. Alejandro scores major points and my confusion worsens...oh and his mother is adorable, super sweet, the kind of woman I would love to get to know better...of course.
I realize now that he is serious and I allow myself to feel what I've been feeling for him since day 1 but was too afraid to admit.
It is possible that Senor Foie Gras may be the person I'm supposed to end up with.
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| Alejandro shared this on his facebook page, and I stole it. It means: "Sane Love, is not Love" |
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