It felt good to see him again. I can see now that whoever I am in contact with, does have a definite advantage. We hugged and it felt good. It could literally feel the true friendship we have and it felt wonderful. On the other hand, I immediately asked myself if there was more than a loving friendship between us and an answer has still not come to me. I thought I would know who I wanted as soon as I saw one of them, but I didn't have that feeling. I just felt more confused, which is terrible. When will I ever stop being so fucking indecisive? The only thing I have been sure about since I got here was that I wanted a pineapple popsicle. I need to remind myself, this is a process, this is a process.
We went back to the apartment which is in a very multicultural, ethnic neighborhood. It is primarily made up of Moroccans, Pakistanis, Indians, Spaniards, and a few students from all over the world. No one here seems to ever sleep. There are people outside at all hours, and it seems that everything is so tightly squeezed together and that everyone knows everyone around here. Even at the Indian cafe downstairs, Julian seems to know the guys and they seemed to have already known me too as soon as I sat down. There are Moroccan produce shops everywhere which is great for me because I foresee myself frequenting them. Yesterday before we went to dinner, We stood on our little balcony and watched about 10 people (young and old) almost get into a fist fight. I looked directly across from me only to see two young guys doing the same, I shared a laugh with one of them and our look seemed to say "Yeah, I'm blatantly spying, and I don't care." I looked at the other balconies and everyone was doing the same thing. You can't help it, looking off the balcony is like watching a dramatic/comedic TV show that is constantly on. Julian loves it, it is gritty and real. I really like it too, however it is much different from anywhere I've ever lived and it will take a little getting used to.
Before I collapsed into a sleep coma, we walked around the city and I felt as though a part of my soul will never truly be able to leave this amazing place because it feels as though it has been made especially for me to explore. There is nothing like Barcelona. It is unique and eccentric, beautiful and dirty, crazy and bold, loud and intense. A simple stroll will lead you to colorful mosaics or hauntingly beautiful churches and each thing you see seems like it should be preserved in a art museum, and as you stand there in complete awe, some junkie throws up near your shoes. You then realize that no, you are not in heaven, you are in Barcelona. I would be outside right now but I have an interview for my teaching English class that I need to get ready for.
Julian and I have already talked about the fact that this three month period is kind of a trial period. At dinner, we talked about the last time we saw each other and how it did not go well. I wouldn't say we argued because we didn't, but it was a heavy conversation. I expressed a few things that were weighing on me, and he tried to dispel my fears. We both agreed that this time exists for us to see if we want to get married or not and in December, we would both decide. Besides the heavy talk, it has been fun hanging out with him again. There is still the question of whether or not passion exists between us, and that has still not been answered and that may be something that makes us or breaks us.
It is inexplicably hard not being in contact with Alejandro. I have an insane urge to call him even though I know I shouldn't. It is the second day of having no contact with him. I can't help but wonder how it would be if he were here. Maybe he was right about coming to Chicago. Would I have known if I had seen him again? I'm sure he's perturbed at reading that... I just did not want to risk cheating, I couldn't do that to Julian.
I keep saying to myself, I have someone who truly, truly loves me, am I going to give it up? What if no one ever loves me like that again? I have to stop thinking like that, I have to stop. I am here to figure out if I want to be with Julian or be alone. I have to decide based on our relationship. I have to take an actual break from Alejandro and figure this out 100%.
I saw Alejandro created a blog which unhinged my temporary state of sanity. I thought about temporarily quitting this blog, but it feels like an outlet for me, which is another reason I am trying to write and be completely honest. Also, I have been so open on here with my feelings for Alejandro and I want to be the one on the other side of this. I want to read his feelings and take them in like the first puff of a cigarette. I want to be out of the hot-seat for a while and let him take a turn. I want to observe him while stepping back.
Well, off I go to do cute Spanish things like hanging up the laundry on the lines outside the balcony.
Barcelona kind of feels like this:
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