Forget fetal position, this was mostly just face in floor uncontrollable shaking and sobbing. I still don't think I'm fully functional, I don't even know if I am typing coherent sentences. I need to send back some jewelry to Julian and I wanted to write him a letter to accompany the package. I started to write and I couldn't do it, instead I dove into an emotional tsunami. He was mean while we were on the phone the other day, he made the whole collapse of our relationship seem like my fault and he did not try to understand my feelings at all, he mostly said that if I ever wanted to come back I would have to 'prove myself worthy' so to speak. I would need to beg and plea and prove that I would stick by him the next time around. He said I abandoned him and that I was weak and wishy-washy. I cried, I sobbed, and he did not console me. I anticipated some of that but I didn't think it would have been that bad.
My one friend who knows him very well is the only one who can talk me off the ledge right now and since I am living at home and it is 11:35, I can't talk to her or anyone for that matter because I'll wake up my mother and sister or they will hear what I'm talking about because I have no privacy here. Ironically, I also want to talk to Alejandro. I can't really talk to him about this though. I don't know if that is healthy or normal. I mean I am still mourning my broken engagement and I shouldn't talk to Alejandro about it...but Alejandro happened. It was a force and it hit me like a train and now we're together and the feelings of mourning my old relationship are overlapping the feelings I'm having for a new relationship. Sad to happy, happy to sad, sad to happy, I can't take it anymore! One minute I'm depressed about Julian, missing him, crying on the floor and the next minute I'm out cloud 9 imagining my future wedding with Alejandro and skipping around my room, I'm a relationship-schizophrenic! Maybe I should have waited to start things up with Alejandro, waited to saying yes to being his girlfriend for a few months, but I had those feelings for him and I jumped in. The truth is that I wasn't ready to move on, I'm probably still not fully able to give Alejandro my whole heart because I still feel love for Julian. I just couldn't help it, I had the kind of connection with him that was impossible to ignore. He has been very sweet and understanding. When I have been upset, he's really stepped up and been there for me. I feel supported by him. I feel like I can count on him, I feel like we are there for each other. That is why I want to talk to him, I feel like I'm falling apart and it is unnatural to go to him for this but I feel like I've always been honest about my feelings and he knows it is a crazy emotional battle going from loving someone to loving someone else. I just want to hug him and tell him how I feel. He won't be able to do that though, even though he knew I was attached when we started all of this, I can't expect him to know exactly what to do or say. I know it doesn't work that way. Maybe this time I just have to hug myself, wipe my own tears away, hug a pillow and hope the pain subsides. I feel as though this is really over if I send the package, someone I considered the most important person to me, gone. It feels like another loss, a second loss, first my father is out of my life...now the other man who has been in my life for so long, who loved me, who I loved, now...also gone (in a different way, but still gone). It just really hurts. I don't ever want to feel this way again. I just want to let go of all the pain, all the guilt I've carried for so long about so many things. I don't want to be an emotional tsunami anymore, I want to be an emotionally sunny, clear day. I feel like the pelican in this picture, I feel like a crazy, fucking, stressed out pelican.
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