I did something stupid..

I did something incredibly stupid last night. In my last post I mentioned that Alejandro and I were hitting a wall. At least I thought we were. He and I talk constantly. In the beginning we were always in communication in one form or another and lately it just seemed as though something was not the same with him. Yesterday he didn't contact me at all and I saw he had been active on facebook. Then I saw that some slutty girl wrote on his facebook wall and mentioned she was going to give him a hug in person. I immediately felt heartbroken and jealous, but mostly heartbroken. I then impulsively proceeded to write him that we shouldn't be together anymore.
He got super mad at me. Super mad.
I never even knew he could get that mad, I was kind of shocked and I immediately realized I had made a horrible mistake but I felt so stupid telling him why I had done it. I went to sleep in tears and now I'm afraid I've ruined everything because he isn't talking to me anymore. I guess I never realized how heartbroken I would be without him. The possibility of him and I may no longer be on the table and it is all my fault. I feel like he finally realized how young and impulsive I actually am and now he sees that maybe it isn't worth it after all. Every single time I feel some sort of happiness I have to sabotage it. Why do I feel the need to inflict misery on myself?

On a side note, I keep hearing weird noises coming from the basement and I have to go down there to unpack and I'm really freaked out!

And here are some more things I'm upset about...let's just take the opportunity to say it all..

1. Why the fuck does the oncology and hematology labs keep sending my father bills addressed to him? NEWSFLASH: He's not getting them. I hate them and I want to call them and tell them to fuck off.

2. I hate that I don't get excited about Christmas anymore.

3. I hate being in Cincinnati.

4. I am supposed to talk to Julian today and I am really freaked out about that.

5. I hate that it is FREEZING in this house. I can barely move I'm so cold.

6. Oh yeah, and Alejandro hates me and I love him and I ruined everything.

This rant is depressing me. Time to go fetal...