This class is making me fat

So the other day/night I was working with a girl from class at a coffee shop on a project. I went to the bathroom because I didn't feel very good. Why didn't I feel good? I knew the general lack of sleep was a problem but it was something else. What? Ow. My stomach hurt. Then I realized while looking in the mirror. My jeans were cutting off my circulation and causing a stomach ache. My fat jeans. The jeans I usually need a belt with.
WHAT THE FUCK!? I'm getting fat.
Since I am usually busy from the hours of 11AM-10PM, I have no time to cook anymore. Convenient food has become my only friend. I realized I've eaten take-out like 20 times since I have been in Chicago. I have drank about 75 cups of coffee, drank about 60 alcoholic drinks, and worked out 0 times.
I went back to sit down with my friend and told her about my predicament.

Friend: We're all getting fat. That is why I wear tights everyday. They are stretchy.

Me: I'm going to do that too. If we don't get a decent job when this is over, all I will have to show for this month of stress is an impeccable understanding of grammar and stretch marks.

Ironically, right after that, we had two beers at the bar down the street where she worked.

Here is some music for your lazy Tuesday...