Okay I am drunk right now watching the election results so I am writing a play-by-play of the long-awaited weekend.
Day 1:
Feeling super nervous at the airport, watching the clock, tick tock, tick tock...suddenly I see him walking and suddenly he's there and I don't know what to do...do I hug him? Do I kiss him? He's shorter than I remember but that's okay because I'm short too. He looks slightly different than I remember. He kisses me, well we miss kiss and kiss sort of. We go on the L and I misdirect us so we don't know where we are but we somehow arrive at the room and four minutes after being alone we.....well you can fill in the blanks. I enjoy it but I freak out because it is the first guy I've been with in five years since Julian. I also freak out because of something else and I cannot actually tell you that because you will all write me Facebook messages telling me how stupid I am! Also on that note...why do you guys all write me about my blog on Facebook but never comment on here???? It is anonymous you know....
We go eat Sushi and it is a wonderful date. The food is delicious, the wine is tasty, the location is romantic and candle lit. We have good conversations and I think if we had not already had sex we would be literally crawling out of our skin! We are sort of tipsy and we go back to the room and.......again well you know. It is great but then we go to sleep and I cannot sleep. We don't really cuddle so I am doubting that this is going to work out. I like him and he's fun and we definitely have passion going on but is there anything deeper than that? I still don't know. Also it is overwhelming to be with someone new. I am used to Julian's hands, Julians feet, Julian's shoulders and arms. I have not touched anyone else in so long. I don't know how to be single. I don't know how to react to all this newness. I lay awake looking at the cieling and somehow morning defeats the overwhelming loneliness of the night. I have barely slept.
Day 2:
We resume being passionate and it is getting more amazing by the minute...it happens twice. I haven't felt this wanted in a long time but I still wonder if there is anything more beyond that. We eat brunch at my favorite brunch place. I have cannoli pancakes and he has an extravagant-looking omlette. We share the food and sip on coffee. Our waitress is Mexican and he speaks with her in Spanish. I get jealous but at the same time I love how he interacts with people. They all like him, he is mischievous and fun and charismatic.
We go downtown and I continue feeling confused. I take him to Grant Park, Millenium Park, and Michigan Avenue. We continue to stroll around and it is so cold but we have a good time. He makes a lot of jokes which I enjoy but at the same time I don't because I'm not used to everything being so happy-go-lucky all the time. I have had a hard last 3 years so I am used to serious, deep conversation. Also I'm not used to sleeping next to someone else and that has proved very hard to handle because I feel like I haven't slept in years and that maybe I will never sleep again.
We drink a coffee and get out of the cold. I like him. I like him. I can't control the thoughts in my head, they are running rampant like wild animals on an African plain. I can see myself being with him in Mexico. Sometimes we really feel like a couple. I imagine going to his political events all dressed up together on a Saturday night, I like that thought.
We go to dinner at this great place that specializes in wine/food pairings and we eat the best mussels and drink the best wine and eat the best cheese. We have a good conversation and I start to get drunk and I feel like I want to be with him forever. He jokes around with all the waiters and cashiers in Chicago and assumes everyone can speak Spanish. He makes me laugh. He's so cute. I like him. I like his sharp jawline and I like when his eyes open wide to reveal the azure interiors. I can see us living together, I can see him arriving home from work in his suit and I undo his tie and kiss him passionately. We would make dinner together and watch old movies. Would it really be like that!? Could I actually move there for him? We go to my favorite Chicago bar and we get pretty drunk. I see my old boss. He cannot believe I left Barcelona but he says "hell yeah girl do yo thing."
Alejandro and I go back to the room and it is again unbelievable, he is so in tune with me, I have never felt this kind of passion. I don't feel confused when we are in the middle of it. I can't think about anything else but his wintery blue eyes and the sound of his voice as he speaks softly in Spanish. I am amazed by how lost I am in the moment. I feel free and let loose with him. He passes out and I stay awake because I cannot sleep when I'm drunk, everyone knows that about me. I stay awake and I start to cry because I feel like I still have feelings for Julian. Julian would cuddle me, Julian would give me a massage, Julian would tell me he loves me and that he cannot live without me. I remember how passionate Julian was about his love for me, about how much he loved to hug me in bed, about how safe I felt with him, how easily I slept next to him. He would constantly ask if I was cold, or hungry, or if I wanted a glass of water. Maybe no one else will ever be like that again...and I've let it all go! Now I am drunk and awake and crying. That is not easy to come by, it doesn't just come overnight, we cultivated love for years and years. What if I never have that depth with Alejandro? Is he ever going to able to feel that way? He doesn't share his emotions with me very easily. It seems like his world is so light and airy and easy-going. Alejandro is asleep, maybe he only wants the sex, maybe we will only be able to have amazing sex and never have anything deeper than that because he doesn't have a painful life and doesn't get my manic depression. He just enjoys life like all those happy people out there in the world, there is nothing wrong with that, and in fact I wish I could be like that. However, I'm not. I'm an emotional tornado. I need more.. I write Julian "Hi" and then I lay awake staring at the cieling and letting the tears fall down my cheeks as Alejandro sleeps soundly beside me. Sleeping next to someone feels more intimate than sleeping with someone. I let the saddness cascade down my face and I cover my mouth to avoid making noise.
Day 3:
Alejandro wakes up to find me upset circa 7AM. He doesn't understand and I don't explain very well. I tell him I'm falling for him but I still care about Julian. He laughs for some reason. I think that is kind of his defense mechanism. I smoke a cigarette and he plays somewhere over the rainbow on his computer, the first song I danced with Julian to. I want to cry. Is this a sign? Maybe I should go back to Julian.
We have sex again. We go to eat Chicago Pizza. We go downtown and the pizza is amazing. We drink several great beers and he is joking with the waitress and suddenly I feel like I might truly be falling in love with him because he's so much fun and I love his personality. He teaches me Mexican slang and we have a great time. We are both drunk and we go to the Shedd Aquarium. We go in the wrong door and get in free. I go in the bathroom and find tickets to the aquatic show. I take them. We go to the show and I start to get sweet with him, I am cuddling him and he is saying "mi amor," the whole time and I love it. I love when he speaks in Spanish. I like him better in Spanish because he sounds so much more natural and sexy. We go through the aquarium and I find him gazing at me. It isn't one of those trying-to-be-sexy gazes, it is an honest gaze. We look at a big tank of fish and decide it is a village. We give each fish a title...the mayor fish, the whore fish, the policeman fish.
Maybe there is more there, maybe he could love me deeply someday...maybe I could love him like that someday too...I don't know. We go home because we are both drunk and exhausted and we get into a cab with a Nigerian driver. We talk about marriage and politics. He tells me I'm smart. Then he asks if Alejandro is my boyfriend. I tell him it is complicated. He asks me if we will get married. I laugh nervously and dodge the question. He says, "what's the point of dating if you don't think you will get married?"
Alejandro falls asleep on my lap and I play with his soft, curly hair the rest of the ride home. I feel emotional. I want him to wake up and pay attention to me. Julian always paid attention to me. I was the center of his world. I am worried Alejandro doesn't have the capacity to love me as deeply as I want to be loved. Ah I am trying to force it, aren't I? We go to the room and we fall asleep. Even I fall asleep. I sleep deeply for the first time since we've been together. Perhaps because I feel closer to him. We wake up and finds out that I wrote Julian. He is upset but doesn't tell me. He hides his feelings which I hate. I want him to be free with his emotions like me. He tells me he doesn't want me to talk to Julian anymore. I tell him I can't promise that. We have sex again and it is hot. He is really forceful and passionate and I can't get enough. I love how naturally it comes, I don't have to tell him what I want. He just knows. We take our time talking and then we go on the train but the Ethiopian restaurant I want to go to is closed because we took so long. He buys my cousin a present for his baby. He pays for everything almost. I'm used to that but I appreciate it so much because he's so sweet about it. We go to a shitty bar/restaurant and have the worst bloody mary in history and the worst food ever but we still have fun. He jokes with the waiter again and says he wants a beer insinuating that the bloody mary sucks. It does. I love how he acts with people. We go to a jazz club and drink more. He is telling me sweet nothings in Spanish and I want him more than ever. We go back to the room and it is the most amazing night ever. I never, ever, ever experienced that. It was so intense. It blew my mind. It is a different level of passion, so this does exist? Wow. He falls alseep and I am still awake. I still don't know what I want. There are times I feel like I could marry him right then and there and then there are times when I want to go back to Julian. How can my mind be this fucked up? How can I not know for sure what I want?
Day 4:
We wake up and he is so sweet with me. We talk for a little while and play music and resume our passionate adventures. It is amazing, as usual. We breifly talk about me writing Julian. I find him checking my iPad messages. WHAT THE FUCK? Did he really just do that??? He still doesn't say anything about how upset he is. I HATE THAT. It is like pulling teeth getting an emotion out of him. I am the opposite. How will this ever work if I always have to guess what he's thinking? We pack and head for the airport. I feel sad. I don't want him to leave...yet I want to be alone to figure out how I feel. I can see he is falling for me, I can see it in his eyes, I can feel it in the way he touches me. Why can't he just tell me how he feels? Will we ever get to a deeper level? Will it always be joking and sex? I wish I could see into the future. We eat a little and then it is time to say goodbye. He wants me to be his girlfriend. He wants me to go to Acapulco with him in December when I finish my class. I say yes, because I feel that I want it but actually I'm still not sure. He tells me he is falling in love with me.
He leaves.
I am alone. All alone.
On an unrelated note......GO OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!
O\
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