Okay this is it. The moment I've been dreading. I was up late doing work, I'm up early finishing work. I was at class 9 hours yesterday, I will repeat that today. Then I will come home and do more work...and I'm going rapidly broke...and I am not eating well...and I have few cell phone minutes because I pay with a card like a drug dealer...and I'm unemployed..and..JSLFKD(*&(*EUOIFIHR#ROK....sorry...that was the start of my breakdown.
I'm feeling unhealthy. I had a pain in my throat yesterday (I hope and think it may be gone) but I literally stretched the other day and felt something pop in my leg and now it hurts. That is how out of shape I am. I don't even know why I'm typing this because I should be doing work. I'm exhausted. TOTALLY FUCKING EXHAUSTED. I woke up crying because I had a dream about Julian. I was comparing him to a pretty, white, sheep herding dog and I was talking to some woman. I was showing her pictures of us (what is weird is that they were actual pictures of us from life, like stuff I have on Facebook, only they were giant polaroids). I was telling her that even though he was aggressive like the dog, he was also very sweet and very loving to me...then I cried...then I woke up freezing and crying. I looked in the mirror and said to myself...pull yourself together. Sometimes I don't know if I get like this because I am under stress or if it is because I really miss him. I do miss him though. It is strange because I've been extremely happy with Alejandro and I can't tell if these feelings for Julian are normal-relationship-grieving feelings or more than that. Alejandro did rise to the occasion the other day and call me when he knew I was getting like this, he was extremely sweet. Maybe I just don't know how to let him in completely because I'm so used to Julian doing it. There will always be this disadvantage that he is not here, that we have not spent enough time together, and that even though his words are wonderful, I'm still here, alone, with nothing but stress and memories. When I get this stressed out, I crumble, I want to take a blanket, go into the fetal position and cry like a maniac. I usually don't handle it well. I wish someone could analyze my dream, or my whole fucking life for that matter. It sounds very weak but I have always had a guy to comfort me. I always had a guy who was able to deal with my emotional catastrophes and before and during boyfriends, there was my dad. My dad who gave me such good advice. My dad who was so sweet. My dad.
Fuck now I'm crying.
I feel so alone at the moment and yet I cannot go back to sleep, I need to finish my assignment.
*FETAL POSITION TIME*
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