I AM ELLIOT
...frick.
When JD tells Elliot he doesn't love her, she pushes him into a table full of glasses and plates. I can see now how that was and under-reaction.
Ok...that isn't exactly what happened with Alejandro and I but still...I get her. I guess I am a little bitter and my new found zen-logic is kind of harder to keep up than I thought. I am trying to move forward with my new "let's keep it casual" plan but I still feel like I should have been less gullible. I want to blame him but I can only blame myself. He used to tell me...be careful what you wish for, you might just get it...maybe he should have taken his own advice. I don't think I can just go back to the way things were. It is hard to get swept up in a tornado and then somehow be able to be comfortable in the wind again. When he writes "I love you" now, it doesn't have the same weight as it did before and I don't really believe his promises. I don't want to hear anything about marriage either. We both know we went too fast, but who was the one who had his foot on the gas pedal? I'm pretty sure I was the one checking to see if there was an emergency break close by. Ironically he said our ideas about love are very different. He said I essentially want this crazy-up-and-down love and he wants a calm walk-hand-in-hand-no drama kind of love. Who was the one posting things like "amor cuerdo no es amor" on his facebook wall? I even remember he once asked me "when are you going to realize that I am the love of your life?" Also, he asked me from the beginning if I would ever move somewhere for love...and who was at one point convincing me to go to Mexico City if he went there? However now...it is all "Oh you have to want to move for yourself..." Of course I have to want to move for myself, that isn't the point! I guess I was unconsciously campaigning for most naive girl on the planet. Crown, please?
For the record, I don't want drama. I have had enough lately for a lifetime.
Despite how this has all turned out, I still want him in my life. I told him I wanted to cool things down and I think he was relieved and he lost a lot of the pressure he was feeling. To some extent I know that I was being crazy...I basically asked him for a guarantee that things would work out with us. Of course...that was crazy. There is no way to know if we would work! I just wanted some reassurance that he loved me and wanted me with him and he couldn't even offer me that. It felt as if he seemed he made a mistake by showing me affection.
He said he still wanted me to come to Mexico and we could date and see where things went but that we were going too fast and he felt like he was being drug behind a horse. How sweet...totally what every girl wants to hear. I kinda feel like I got trampled by a pack of horses. Things are going to be okay no matter what, I know that. This is a lesson and I just have to accept it, see where things go, and be excited about the life that is waiting for me because I do know that one way or another, good things are on the horizon.
I am going Brazil Butt Lift crazy now. I am doing two videos a day to try to forget about my problems. It is a good habit to have...at least I am getting in shape again and pumping up the endorphin levels, not a bad thing. Plus, going to the Caribbean is major motivation to get my body back to the way it was before the CELTA.
I talked to Julian the other day. He wants us to be back together...even if I end up far away. Last time we talked, we had a good conversation. I have started to ask myself if he could ever forgive me...but then I think no, don't start thinking like that. I even almost confessed everything to him about Alejandro the other day. Upon recent developments I can't help but wonder if....
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