Anyway, after several cups of coffee, I felt better. I enjoyed the weather by going outside and playing with my little buddy all day. Then, I went to pick up a letter of recommendation from my old school, got to see some of my old kiddies, went grocery shopping, had dinner, and saw a friend.
Alejandro and I spoke after my last post and while I think he does love me to some extent, he didn't seem like he could offer me any sign that he thought I was the girl for him. I told him I needed to think about whether or not we should continue. After all, at that point I was ready to do anything for him. That was a few days ago and I've realized so much since then.
Alejandro is not the one. The one, as I have come to realize, doesn't exist. There can be "the one you lost your virginity to," "the one you first fell in love with," "the one you ended up marrying," but there is no "the one." I realize now that it was crazy to ask him to tell me I was the one. I have had a guy in my life for so long, I can barely remember what it feels like to be single or just date for that matter. I am longing for this emotional support that he is not capable of providing to me because we honestly don't know each other that well. How could I ask him if I was the one? We have only gone on a few dates over the course of a weekend and even I had major doubts after that.
Ending an engagement is a big deal. I lost the person that promised his unconditional love to me and now I don't know how to handle not having a guy in my life who will be as loving as Julian was. I guess I didn't actually lose him completely but I don't think he would ever be able to forgive me for this.
Of course, that was a 5 year relationship and with Alejandro...well who knows what he really feels.
I am not afraid of being alone anymore. I am pretty, smart, fun, and easy to fall in love with. If Alejandro and I end up dating and he turns out not to be able to give me what I want, then that is okay. That is how the dating game goes and each time in the future if things don't work out, I need to be okay with being on my own because at the end of the day, and at the end of our lifetimes, we are all we truly have.
I want Alejandro to be "the one," but the truth of the matter is that love at first sight doesn't exist, there are only connections that can be made and relationships that can be built over time. I am finally realizing that I need to be able to stand on my own two feet without an emotional crutch of a man at my side constantly. I am stronger than I give myself credit for and even though it might be lonely at times, I have to stop worrying about "the one" and just make myself one whole person, alone. No guy is ever going to come rescue any of us or, make everything better, or make us happy. I am the only "one" who can do that. I think in the end, if someone loves you as much as you love them over the course of a lifetime, that is as close to true love as it is going to get.
As far as Alejandro and I go, I'm going to cool things down with him. I think it is better if we still talk but just not try to put any expectations on the relationship. I think it will be less pressure for us anyway and I think he prefers it. After all, if I don't end up in Mexico, a longer-long distance relationship just doesn't make sense. Especially since there is really no way we can explore what is between us in person. He's not coming here, I might not end up getting a job there and now that I feel a little more distant to him, I am not going to break my back trying to be with him anymore. I thought he was the guy (and maybe he is who really knows) and he told me he loved me and I got wrapped up in all his sweet talk about the future. The truth is that there is just no way to explore what is between us so if I end up in another country, it is probably better to just try to salvage some kind of friendship out of all of this. Can you guys tell I am actually listening to my head for a change!? I had to give my heart a break, it has been massively overworked! I don't feel that terribly bad anymore, maybe being without a guy's constant support will be good for me. I need to get tough. When I first realized Alejandro wasn't that crazy about me anymore, it hurt like hell, I wanted so badly for him to give me some kind of cinematic speech..but I think I needed to realize it and take control of my emotions, I needed to realize that the world and love is still wide open to me even if it isn't what I imagined with him.
My emotions have pretty much gotten me nowhere so I'm trying something new...who knew logic could feel this good? Also, another major perk, I might be going to the Bahamas with my wonderful friend who is giving me a trip as an early birthday present--way too generous--I know! I am so undeserving. We went last year and it was a blast...looks like I might be writing The Passport Romantic from the Caribbean in a few weeks!
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