So the job hunt has been taking its toll on me a little, I have to admit. I don't feel like the lion that I felt I was in the beginning. It has been a rough couple of weeks as you may have noticed from my previous posts. Granted, for most places I was applying, it was holiday time and therefore responses to jobs were a bit slow. I should have an interview next week at a place in Guadalajara, so we shall see how that goes. I have also expanded my job hunt to Dubai, Tokyo, and a beautiful coastal city in Vietnam.
Alejandro and I hit a bit of a rough patch this week, or last week, not sure. Things are "okay" now I guess but I just feel like we have drifted. I have been feeling distant toward him. One night I opened a floodgate of emotion and it didn't feel reciprocated. It is hard to know exactly what he's feeling and when he doesn't express it, it seems like he just doesn't care. One night, he broke things off with me because he said I pushed him to do it (I guess I sort of did) and he said that he hoped that took a big weight off my shoulders and wrote a winking emoticon. At that moment I felt like he didn't care about me at all. Oh, and I had just told him I thought he was the one. A very stupid and impulsive thing to say, I see that now. I think I am starting to think that the one doesn't exist, you just pick someone and try to make it work. That, my friends, may be my biggest realization of all in this blog. I, Chepina, am letting go of that notion. It is sad, but maybe that is a sign of growing up. I still have that hope in the back of my head that I am wrong though.
I know he doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve (like me) but I don't know if I could stay with someone who didn't' show love. If I go to Mexico and things don't work out, after a year, I will be 29, broke, and alone....if it doesn't work out he will still have his life in tact. I won't. Actually I think this distance is his way of signaling that he doesn't think it will work out between us. I guess that is how guys let girls go but in this case ( since I am considering moving there ) it seems a little more important to have that uncomfortable conversation.
I have been having multiple dreams about Julian. In one dream, I told him everything I wanted to say and he was extremely cruel to me. In the second dream, he called me, was super nice and understanding like he used to be and the next thing I know, he shows up at my door. That SO only happens in the movies. Guys never do things like that in real life. In fact, I'm going to write a whole post listing the bullshit things guys do in chick flicks that almost never happen in real life. In my second dream, we were happy again. I woke up sad and confused.
I am going to eventually write Julian an email. I still haven't let go. After having some distance with the breakup, I realize that I am not the one to blame, well at least I don't deserve all the blame. I don't want to go into it all on here because several of you know him but...there were several issues we had that did not get resolved. I tried and tried and tried to talk to him about these problems and his pride continued to come first. They weren't necessarily the problems, they were the attitudes about the problems. After we got engaged, he seemed like he needed to exert his dominance over me. It was like he needed to prove in every argument that he was not going to let me push him around, that he was going to wear the pants now, and during our marriage. He used to tell me that I had him by his balls and that he would do anything for me, even if it emasculated him. That changed after we got engaged. His pride became more important. That was what pushed me away, that was what made me question things. I didn't want to end as this little submissive woman, married to a man who loved me but didn't show me proper respect.
It is strange, Julian poured his emotions out with fluidity and regularity. I never felt neglected...however he could be so cruel and unfair when we fought. He never saw my side of things, it was his way or the highway. At the end, when I cried, he stopped trying to console me. Alejandro though, is very level headed and respectful when we have argued, he does try to see my side, he usually seems to understand what I am trying to get across...he isn't a hothead... but he doesn't show his emotions very easily, and lately I have felt maybe the fire is starting to extinguish. I have always been a firm believer in the fact that if a guy isn't paying attention to you, they just aren't that into you. It hurts deeply, because I fell so quickly for him, but there is no sense in holding on to someone that doesn't want to hold on to you.
Well we will see about that, and about the email to Julian. Who knows what his response will be, if any. I am definitely trying to keep my head up despite the fact that I seem to be on the losing end of the love game, a game I thought I would always be winning. I feel like I am finally leaning on myself for support, and I am still somehow standing. I am going to be okay, even if it is for the first time in a long time, all on my own.
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