Do I feel stupid? Yes.
Does it hurt? Yes.
Do I hear a bunch of "I told you so's" in the back of my head? Yes.
Basically, I put it all out there for Alejandro. I told him how much I loved him, I told him such sweet, romantic, adorable things...and asked him if he thought I was the girl for him.
He didn't say anything.
Nothing. Nada.
It was the most deafening silence I've ever heard.
It was like a big silent knife cut a whole into my chest. If any of you watch True Blood this is what it was like...you know in season 4 when Eric and Bill finally get into the witch store and Eric grabs the heart out of that guy that kept helping Marney? It was like that. Only Alejandro was Eric and I was the guy, boooooom grabbed it, and crushed it. Only I don't actually blame him, I mean how can you blame someone if they just don't love you? It isn't like they can control it, I'm just not the girl for him...still it doesn't make this any less painful.
Last night I was talking to a very good friend that I hadn't seen in years. I told her all about Alejandro, about how I loved him, about how I even thought I wanted to marry him someday. I gushed and gushed and gushed like a stupid little school girl. Perhaps that was one of the problems, he is older and much more mature and I am young and idealistic and dreamy. I guess our personalities didn't end up complimenting each other the way I thought they would.
He told me he was too old for these grand gestures that I wanted, these heavy discussions.
Ouch.
The worst part is that I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. How could I be so foolish? I truly believed I would marry him! Oh wow, how naive am I?
You know, this never happened to any Disney Princess. Oh no. The prince always came around in the end, he always saved the day. Fucking Disney. You ruined it for all of us, you know that? I guess the truth that Disney never told us was that we have to save ourselves.
I need to stop being so hard on myself. I have a possibility of getting a job in Bali, maybe I should just concentrate on that. Perhaps a beautiful life is waiting for me just around the corner and this is the last hump before I find true happiness. To quote Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist...
“What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one “dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.”
I think I am dying of thirst right now and my palm trees are almost here...
Wow a bit of positivity? Perhaps I am learning from all these mistakes and heartbreaks and sad things in life!
You know that song Bobby Darin sings...beyond the sea? Maybe I just had to get my heart broken to appreciate the future guy who is really meant for me. Still, I wish so badly that it had been Alejandro. If he would have just said, "You are the one, I love you, come be with me, I'll do anything.." I would have probably even given up on Bali. But he didn't.
How hard would it have been for him to repeat the same bullshit he's been telling me for the last 5 months?
"Somewhere...beyond the sea...somewhere waiting for me..
my lover stands on golden sands and watches the ships...that go sailing..."
If he doesn't love me the same way I love him, I am not going to try to convince him... that isn't how love works. It needs no convincing. It is a lightning bolt, it is a punch in the gut, it is a tsunami of a feeling. It is felt in the pit of organs, controlled by the cosmos, written in the cells our our very souls. Who would settle for anything less?
If someone really loves you, they'll do whatever it takes. In my case, I got silence, he couldn't even look at me, I guess because he didn't want to see me cry. I guess he felt bad saying "No Chepina...you're NOT the one."
I hope that my intuition will not let me down the next time I fall in love.
And here marks the ending of the story of Alejandro and Chepina...I hope my tragic little love story gave you some wisdom or at the very least, something to read while you were at work.
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