Please be coffee, I thought to myself. I careened my eyes open and gazed over my covers to find light peeking through the door. Yes! Coffee. I hauled myself out of my warm bed and made my way into the kitchen where my mother was getting ready to leave.
¨Drink your smoothie and your coffee, maybe you should exercise too, since you´re up early.¨
¨Maybe.¨ I said gulping down the smoothing.
I took my coffee cup back to bed and thought about exercising. Was I turning into that girl who thought being thin and pretty was all she had left? Maybe after Mexico I'll move to Rio de Janero. I will have done so much Brazil Butt Lift by then that maybe no one will notice that I'm foreign. Well, until they realize that I can't speak Portugese. I can still change my life. I can still turn things around. I didn't ruin my life. I felt the way I did about Julian for a reason and just because things are not working out as I hoped with Alejandro, doesn't mean that I need to fall into despair. Maybe I needed to go through all of this to realize Julian was the one afterall and I will finally be ready for marriage and I can give him everything I have, or maybe I will realize I needed to be on my own. All of this is happening for a reason. Some reason. I hope. I think.
I took a book off my bookshelf. I had read most of them by now but there were a few I hadn´t read yet.
Escape to Mexico, an anthology of great fiction. Yes. I need this. Maybe I should buy something by Octavio Paz on Amazon to help me understand Mexican culture more. Just because my mother hails from there, does not mean I understand. "Come with me to Mexico," says a character in Anais Nin's short story. "I want to wander about a little and find out who I am..."
Yes. Yes. Yes. I am not going to feel desperate and go fetal anymore. I am not going to be jumping for joy either. I am just going to try. I am going to appreciate the fact that I am going to go on an other adventure. As you can all see, I have been obsessing over romance for quite some time. While I was in the Dominican Republic, I was alone, sitting on a rock in a beautiful teal dress. The warm breeze was blowing, there were torches on both sides of me, lighting up a stone-laid path, and there I sat smoking a cigarette. People were laughing in the distance and a bachata band was pumping away not far from where I sat. I gazed up at the tallest palm tree, I noticed the way it seemed painted against the violet sky, so picturesque. I felt like it was watching me too, winking at me in the breeze, as if I were a character in a film. I then realized, sometimes you have to make your own romance...and it will have nothing to do with men. Those moments, you only share with yourself.
This past weekend I went out for my birthday and my friend's birthday. I got some good advice about being single. It is hard to adjust to this new life and not have constant support but I just need to keep busy and keep pushing forward improving myself. Then one day, things will be okay, and I will be living happily. I just have to keep going.
I bought my ticket for Mexico the other day. I leave on April 18th. I need to get a ticket for Chicago so I can see my friends before I leave. So I have about a month. I have about a month to do a lot of things. A priority has become writing. I mean real writing. I don't mean just the kind of writing I do on here that usually looks like this "AHhh I'm going crazy, I fucking hate Alejandro and Julian hates me omg omg drama blah blah blah." I'm going to try to do some actual productive writing for a change. So, if you are sick of hearing me go from fetal to positive every other blog, you're in luck. Damn, I am out of coffee. Just for the record, I know I've jumped points of view about a thousand times in here. I'm aware of that. Anyway, my coffee is empty and I have 10 minutes to shower.
Hasta luego. Have a good Thursday. Here's a song.
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