Hello cyber space compadres, it is I, the blocker. Okay so many rounds of updates need to be shared, starting with job situation. I got a job! Yes, the one in Puebla. I feel like I can finally breathe. I was getting pretty desperate at one point. I am nervous though, for several reasons. Reason One: life in Mexico is not going to be like life here or life in Europe. I definitely can't frolick about as freely as I would here. Mexico as a whole is not as dangerous as the media makes it out to be but it is also definitely not Super-Safe-Sweden-like. Reason 2: the pay is quite little. It is only for four months (yes, it is renewable) and I am already lining something else up for August but I am going to have to live pretty modestly during that time. I made a list to remind myself of things I shouldn't do in Mexico, hopefully I'll remember it.
Things I can't do in Mexico:
1. Wear hooker boots to the club and stumble home drunk
2. Walk home alone, drunk.
3. Walk home alone.
4. Drink water out of the faucet (I guess I don't do that here either)
5. Flirt like I normally would (this will require a seperate explanation but for the sake of the list just pretend like you get why)
6. Drive with one hand on the wheel.
7. Wear jewelry while using public transportation.
8. Wash produce normally.
9. Shop at Sephora...cant afford that hobby anymore!
10. Spend money on things that aren't survival related.
11. Get pregnant....probably the most important on the list.
I guess most things from the list should apply everywhere, but I have my reasons for each item on the list.
The good things about the job are that I will be able to teach multiple levels, I get my own apartment, it is in Puebla so I will be able to spend time with my family, get in touch with my roots, and improve my Spanish. Oh and I guess I get to see where things go with Alejandro but at this point it honestly doesn't even feel like we are together so I do not have high hopes for that situation.
The last month and a half I have felt single. We don't talk much these days and I definitely don't feel supported or loved or butterflies, or any of those good things you are supossed to feel in a relationship. Last night, we were going to talk and he said he would let me know when he could use the internet and surprise, surprise, I wait and wait and nothing. I wake up to a message in the middle of the night saying "I haven 't gone home, how are you?" How am I? Seriously? At that moment I truly thought about writing back and saying that I never wanted to talk to him again. I know that seems like an overreaction but he does that constantly. He says we will talk and he just never responds and I sit there waiting, feeling stupid for waiting around for him. I am wondering if there is even a point in seeing where things go. It seems like we have both checked out and I can tell he doesn't care about me. Screw all that "I don't share my emotions" crap, if someone cares about you, they show you, they are considerate of your time, and of your feelings. I am starting to build up resentment toward Alejandro and I am realizing this is "like" but it is not love. At least not anymore. Ever since the night I poured my heart out to him, it hasn't been the same. Basically, we message each other sporadically throughout the day and we barely talk on skype anymore. If what we had before was a fire, what we have now is basically just a few smoldering ashes, smokey remains of something that was once hot and alive. My friend told me I should still see how things go once I'm in Puebla, "some people just can't do long-distance" but if the present is any indication of the way he and I will be in person, what is the point? There is always the off chance that the magic will reappear but from how I feel right now about him, it is doubtful.
These days more than ever, I am missing Julian. I miss talking to him so much. I miss laying around with him watching movies and cuddling. I called him the other day and luckily he wasn't home because the way I felt at that time I would have probably agreed to go back to Barcelona. I know I can't do that. I need to be sure if I want to be with him. It isn't fair to him if I'm not completely sure...and the last thing I want to do is cause him more pain. We were talking on and off during the last few weeks but he wrote me and said it was just too painful to talk and he wanted to stop. It hurts. Still, I want to do my own thing. I want to teach in Mexico. Ugh.. My friend who has been through the same situation said that this is normal...missing him. I guess it is...but I don't know why it came on so strong all of the sudden. I feel right back to where I was 4 months ago. I thought I had made progress, I guess not.
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